27 weeks!!!!

Tomorrow our baby will be 27 weeks along!!!! I went to my OB appointment today and everything is looking good!!! The "weigh in" is always fun (I have tried convincing my doctor that my purse weighs 80 pounds, but I don't think he's buying it)!!! The baby finally held still long enough to actually COUNT the heart rate!!!! 165 beats per minute. I think I will give Dr. Chamberlain another month before I pin him down on what he thinks we're having. He's been right ALL 3 TIMES!!!! This is one of the fun things with not knowing what we're having!!! He cleared me to go do Disneyland next month (YEA!!!!) and despite it bugging the crap out of Randy, it is NOT unsafe for me to be sleeping on my stomach!!! I go to sleep on my side and wake up FLAT on my stomach!?! I've always been a big stomach sleeper, but it really bugs Randy when I'm pregnant!!!! I found out that heartburn can be helped with medication and that my hands going numb will stop after I have the baby!!!!

This pregnancy is so fun, challenging, but fun. There are weird things that happen because I'm older, but every time I feel this little baby move, it makes me smile!!! The kids and Randy love to feel the baby move. It made Maddison cry the first time. She tried so hard to feel it move but as soon as she puts her hands on my tummy, it STOPS!!!! So, she finally got to feel it move and it was an emotional thing for her. It was one of the only times she got to feel the baby. I think it will be a good thing once the baby is born if Maddison can sooth it that easy!!!!

The miracle of birth is so cool to me. I love that our Heavenly Father trusts us to do this special work!!!! Even though we have c-sections and it's all very scheduled and controlled, it is so exciting and fun!!!! I don't look forward to the surgery, but sometimes I think of having a newborn and the blessings they bring and it makes me so happy!!!!

I hope everyone is having a good Christmas break, so far, I know we are!!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Christmas break... YEA!!!!

I love it when my kids are home from school. My favorite days are the "pajama days" that we don't get dressed and we eat horrible food all day!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! I love snuggling with my sweeties and just enjoying their company!!!! Hopefully we will find a "pajama day" or 2 in the next week!!! Here's to wishing you a couple days of down time too!!!

A needed post....

I've been needing to do a post about an experience we had, but I need to edit how I really feel and as you know, that's not an easy one for me!!! Randy and I had an impossible decision to make a couple of weeks ago. We AGONIZED over it for a week. We went back and forth from YES to NO a million times. Our hearts were saying YES and the Holy Ghost was telling us to say NO. We were so confused. We got priesthood blessings, went to the temple, enlisted the help of our family and our friends even organized a special fast for us. Still, we were confused. On faith alone, we went with NO. As it turns out, it was never a decision we needed to make. The State was not ready to do what they told us they were doing, therefor, it was never our choice to make. It was a situation that has changed our lives. Under all the anger, there are things that shine through this that we need to learn. Some things I learned:

*Don't ever trust DCFS. EVER. They (in our case) are NOT doing what is best for children. Job security is more important to them than removing a child from a dangerous place and dangerous people. (You have no idea how edited that is)

*Sometimes it's not the YES or NO that is important when we have a choice, it's what we do to make that decision. Did Randy and I get closer together? Did we lean on our Heavenly Father? Or did it tear us apart and make us loose faith? I'm happy to say we did what we were supposed to when faced with such a hard choice.

*And the most important lesson I learned is that our Heavenly Father is ALWAYS there for us. He was telling us what to do the whole time, we just wouldn't listen because it sounded like the wrong choice. I will never doubt Him again. I will never doubt the sweet feelings of The Spirit. NEVER.

I don't learn lessons easy and sadly Randy will be dragged through the mud with me while I learn these lessons, but we are bigger people because of this, and for that I am grateful.

To those who know the full story, remember that Heavenly Father will protect His children. One way or another. We have to have faith in that. It's the only way I can sleep at night.

Thanks for listening!!!

Don't tell Randy......

*OLD PICTURE ALERT*

Look at those curls!!!

Wanna know a secret? My husband is hairy, really hairy, but when I shave his head, I shave down his neck and onto his back to make him think he's more hairy than he really is!!! HAHA!!! Don't tell him, ok? Thanks for keeping this between US ;)

A BIG surprise!!!

See this girl......



She is my niece, Amy. She and I have always been really close. I am only 3 years older than her, so really, she was kind of like a little sister to me when we were growing up. This last few years, I have learned to really appreciate Amy for the person she is. She has made so many good choices in her life. I look up to her so much.

In the last year or so we have been able to grow closer than ever. I guess bad times will pull the closest ones together and that's what it's done for us. She lives in Vegas and we try to see them when we go down, but her and Dan have no problem coming up if there is stuff going on. They are so supportive.

Well, today was my birthday lunch with my mom, sisters and nieces and I was really missing Amy. Sometimes it's harder than others to not have her here. There are a lot of things going on in my brain right now and Amy totally gets it. I don't have to explain the things that are troubling me to her, she just knows.

This morning, I told her on Facebook that understood WHY she couldn't be here for lunch but that I wish she could and I miss her a lot. Knowing that she has a 3 year old son and a 1 year old son at home that she's trying to keep up with, lunch was the last of her priorities.

We were at Pasta Factory. It was my mom, my sisters, Launa and Blanche, one of my besties, Gina and my niece, Brittney with their kids. When Blanche got there she mentioned that we needed more room and then made a fat joke. Didn't think anything of it. About 10 minutes later, I looked over and saw Amy's sons, Bridger and Noah walk in the restaurant!!!!! I was so happy to see Amy, I cried like a little baby!!!! She was such a beautiful surprise!!! I think I cried for about 5 minutes straight!!!!

Amy told me that after reading that comment to her this morning that she just knew she needed to come up. I was so happy. It was the best birthday lunch EVER!!!! She is one of my favorite people in the world!!!! We had fun chatting it up at lunch, we always do!!!!

After lunch, we went back to my mom and dad's house and let the kids play while we sat and enjoyed each others company!!!! I can't tell you how happy it made me that she came up. She is such a sweetheart and I feel lucky to have her in my life!!! She's always been a great supporter of my family and she just brings a breath of fresh air whenever she's around!!!!

Anyhow, it's just amazing to me that I had nieces that were in St. George that didn't come to my lunch, but Amy came from 120 miles away!!! It's obvious that our relationship is different than the others!!!! We were all so happy to have Amy here and everyone that went to lunch had a blast!!! It was a good day!!!!

Thank you, Amy. I love you to pieces!!!!

Time Change Anyone???

The time change hasn't effected our family too much... hahaha!!!!!







Hopefully it hasn't been a bad one for you, either!!!

What birthdays mean to me....

***WARNING***
This blog post is typed with raw emotions at the risk of sounding totally and utterly selfish on my part and making some people mad. If you do not wish to have your feelings challenged, stop reading here.
***Consider yourself warned***

Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. Birthdays are such a weird thing for me. When I was younger, I would go over the top with excitement to overpower some of my feelings that I didn't understand and still don't.

When most kids are born, it's a joyful occasion that is looked at as a highlight of their lives, mine is a little different for me. My birth story as told by my mom.... my mom wouldn't take my biological mom to the hospital the night before I was born because Gone With the Wind was airing for the first time on TV, my baby blanket wasn't done yet and ultimately, my mom knew my biological mom wasn't really in good labor yet and she could wait!!! Well, they waited till the movie was over and everything went just fine. More proof that my mom always have been and always will be very intuitive. She always knows what is best.

What's the big deal? I wish THAT part wasn't a part of ME. Honestly, I wish I could just pretend I came from my parents and none of THOSE parts were there. I am not trying to minimize how blessed I am to have been raised the way I was. I was always loved... A LOT. I was a very confident person and still am, but for some reason, thinking that I was a disappointment to someone before I was even born is a little confusing.

I am probably speaking through pregnancy hormones, but my feelings always get stronger around my birthday, the birth of my own children and other significant events in my life.

I look at these pictures and think of how different my life is than other kids. Sure, I have sisters that love me like CRAZY, I have parents that have sacrificed so much for me, I have the most amazing extended family a girl could ask for and a husband that does the best with the mess he married into, but unless you are adopted, I don't think there is any way to understand how I am feeling. Hell, I don't even understand it. I just know that there are certain phone calls I will avoid tomorrow and there are certain people that it's easier to cling to on my birthdays because they know my heart and know how confusing it is for me to "celebrate" another birthday. I feel selfish for even saying that because of what I DO have, but it's deep down, WAY down that things get weird for me.

I usually don't talk about my feelings, but for some reason I can't help it tonight. It's weird. Look how much my mom and dad love me. You can FEEL the love coming out of them. Why couldn't THEY be the ones I was born to? Even though I am surrounded by people who love me so much, it's the ones that couldn't/wouldn't that make a difference. Was it THAT bad? Was it THAT hard? I know I was supposed to be in the family I am, but those weird feelings are still there. Like I was a problem, a "situation".
The older I get, for some reason, the harder this is. I feel this sense of loneliness and sadness that is hard to explain. It's like the more I love who I am, the more I doubt myself. That makes NO sense at all.

Uhgggg..... I have been crying for hours and I thought this would help, but those stupid tears just keep rolling off my face!?!

I love that Randy doesn't try to "fix" me. He just listens. He listens a lot. He hears things I would never tell another soul and you know what, he still loves me. He is a good man, in fact, such a good man that he just baked some chocolate cookies to make me feel better. I think it might work.

Sorry for the rant, I don't know why it happened, but maybe one day I will. Until then, you're stuck with me the way I am. Thanks for listening.