I just got done doing a 4am feeding with the baby. It's such a sad time for us. He will go to live with his parents on Thursday, so today, I realize that there are only 5 more 4am feedings left for him and I. When he got done eating, diaper changed and wrapped up like a burrito, we were rocking. He didn't want his binkie, so we just rocked. He was staring at me and I wondered if he knew. Does he know how much I love him? Have I been a good enough mom for the last 3 1/2 months for him? Have I treated him as my own? That's when I looked into his sleepy eyes and he turned the corners of his mouth up into a smile, then gently closed his eyes and was asleep. In THAT moment I knew. I know he knows how much I love him. I know I have done everything I could for him with no regrets and yes, I have loved him as my own son. I will miss him so much I can't even put it into words. He has blessed my life like I never knew was possible. I will miss him more than anyone knows. I love you sweet baby!!!
7 comments:
Oh Hope!! Im so so sorry!! This is so unfair!! I can't even imagine how you feel. My heart just aches for you! You and your family are a wonderful inspiration to me!! Because of the experience you have just had I NEVER will do foster care in the state of Utah!! We will keep you guys in our prayers. ♥ya bunches!!
Wow way to make me cry...I know he knows you love him so much...I am so glad we all got this time we have had I just wish it wasn't being taken away...I am going to miss him and not even close to how much you guys are going to miss him...I love you and stay strong...
"At that moment, foster care became not just something I did but part of who I was and who I could be. I could make a difference, a real difference in a child's life. This baby would never know about me. Still, because I had loved him, cared about him, I was a part of him. It made me feel that what I did mattered in a ...way it hadn't before."~ Another Place at the Table.
I just finished reading this book on a particularly bad foster care day. It was heartbreaking, but I love love this quote from her. There's no words when you have to say goodbye. There's the cliches of course, you've done a good thing, he's so much better for being with you, and so on. But there are no words when you have to say goodbye to a baby you've been raising as your own. I'll be praying for you this week.
Oh, Hope, I am so sorry. It's so heartbreaking to have to give away a piece of your heart. Your post made me cry, because just like you, we will be giving up a foster baby in a few weeks. And every time I rock him I feel those same feelings you feel. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
But he will always be your baby, Hopie. You have been and will continue to be a wonderful mommy.
Bawling now. :(
I love you and I love him. We have all been so blessed to have him in our lives.
I truly believe he will always be a part of your family. Remember what we talked about the other day. We have a loving and merciful Heavenly Father. His plan is so much greater than we can ever understand.
I love you!
Hopie,
I JUST read this post and I am SO SORRY. I will definately be praying for your comfort! My heart aches for you but I know that your time with Nathan had a GREAT and WONDERFUL purpose. You are such an amazing person. Nathan is lucky to have had you in his life. If you ever need to talk or get together call or email me!! (((hugs)))
ALEISHA
aleishablack@hotmail.com
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