Yep, it's a big deal

As much as I'm trying to down play this whole, "you have a hole in your heart" business, it's kinda freaking me out a bit!!! I got my appointment with the cardiovascular surgeon in Salt Lake City for July 27th. If there is a cancellation, I will get in sooner. I will go up on a Wednesday, get the bubble ECHO done by the surgeon (it's the test I had done down here that showed the hole, they want to do it themselves up there to see exactly how bad it is and not just trust someone else) and depending on how bad it is, I will probably go in the next morning for the procedure. I will have to spend that night in the hospital. I found out today that the surgeon is #1 in the the WORLD for the number of repairs he does and the success rate. And here I was complaining about going to Salt Lake!?! People come from all over the world for him. I Googled "PFO repair" and Dr. Sorenson's site was at the very top of the Google search. I am feeling a little better about this!!!

I got bad news today. I can't breastfeed while on the blood thinner that I have to take for 3 months after I have the surgery. I am a HUGE breastfeeding advocate and this is killing me. I talked to my doctor and I will give Harper formula for that 3 months and let my milk dry up (3 months is a loooong time to be pumping). After that 3 months, he will give me a medicine to help me bring my milk back in. I am a total Jersey cow, if anyone can do this, I CAN!!!! I should be a wet nurse, my milk is so good. I don't want to start pumping because that will just make weening her even harder on me physically. I feel that formula is really good now and in this situation, it will be just fine for my sweet baby. At least that's what I'm telling myself in hopes that I start to believe it!!!!

I have calmed down a bit. I get a little freaked out sometimes. I am enormously overwhelmed, but there is nothing that can be done to help that. When I get nutso, I have to remember that I'm not the only one going through this. I can't even imagine how this might feel for Randy. It makes me cry. But I have to give a big THANK YOU to everyone that has stepped up with love and support. Blog comments, e-mails, Facebook comments, phone calls, prayers and just general support. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people. I have said it in the past and I still mean it, I don't deserve the love that I've got through this hard time. My friends and family are truly the best there ever was. Just when I feel like I'm going to die because of anxiety, someone stops by or calls or any number of other forms of showing support and love. I am genuinely blessed.

We will get through this. I can do this. I've never been afraid of anything before in my life, this sure as hell is not going to change me!!! My doctor actually said today that he doesn't know any 2 more stubborn people in the world than me and the neurologist he sent me to (think that was planned? I do!!!). I took it as it was meant, as a compliment. He is such a great doctor and I'm glad he's on my side.

I found out that I can keep doing normal stuff without the fear of danger. I was afraid of passing out when I was driving and crashing. Dr. Chamberlain assured me that it was pretty rare for that to happen and to resume regular activities. Well, as regular as chronic headaches would allow!!!

So again, thank you for the love and support. It is helping me so much. I am trying to be tough, but sometimes reality sinks in and I'm scared to DEATH. But I do know that with Randy by my side the whole time, I will be ok. If you knew what this poor boy had to deal with on a daily basis, you would know that he is an angel on Earth!!!! I know that we will get through this and be stronger because of it. I know that.

So, Harper, what do you think about mommy not nursing you for 3 months? Be honest.......


That's what I thought!!! haha!!!!