The Clyde Family

The Clyde Family

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hormone check on line one!!!!

Ok, here's the deal. If you are reading this and needing a life-is-so-good-I'm-actually-growing-flowers-out-my-butt kind of post, well, click the back button and keep looking. I will admit that my life is pretty good right now, but that is not what this post is going to be about. I am going to bitch a little and it might get really ugly, SO, if you don't want to read something like that...... go somewhere else.

I don't know where to start, but I feel like I'm about to explode. I am sooooo mad that I miscarried. I hate all the stupid e-mails that I signed up for when I found out I was pregnant in August. They are weekly reminders of how pregnant I SHOULD be right now. I have unsubscribed to most of them, but when I think I got them all **BOOM** there's another one!!! Just when I get that under control, I get the realization that I was going to be pregnant and due with 2 of my good friends and 3 of my nieces!!! That's right, all 6 of us were due within 5 weeks of each other. Well, they all continued to be pregnant and left me in the dust. Now, they are all finding out what they are having, shopping, planning, getting cute little pregnant bellies and all that fun stuff and what am I doing? Failing at getting pregnant. After my D&C, it took 5 whole weeks for me to have a period, so that means it was THAT much longer before we could try again to get pregnant. That 5 weeks is an eternity when everyone around you is pregnant and you want to be. Then I log onto Facebook and hear some other pregnant moms COMPLAINING about being pregnant and it takes everything in me to not drive over to their house and kick them in the face. Do they have ANY IDEA how lucky they are that their baby is kicking them????? DO THEY???? Oh my hell, give it a break already!!!! Whoa.... sorry. *count to ten* Anyhow, it's just really hard to feel like I am failing at something I should be able to do. Now, don't get me wrong, I know I will get pregnant again, I'm just not a patient person and I want it NOW!!!!! I'm not getting younger and the time that goes by is just makes it easier for me to question the decision we have made. I think it's just hard sometimes when I realize that all those sweet girls that are due when I was, are still pregnant and feeling exactly how I want to feel. I don't want to make it awkward for any of them, so I try to keep it to myself. It just gets really hard sometimes when a friend announces that she's having a girl and my niece just found out she's pregnant, all in one day. I am so happy for them, but it feels like salt in a wound. Kind of like they are standing on a hill and shouting, "I AM HAVING A BABY AND YOU AREN'T!!!!!". Holy cow, I sound like the biggest brat on the planet, but I don't care. This is MY BLOG and I can write MY FEELINGS on it. Now, by the time you read this, I will probably be all better, so no need to powder my bottom, I'll be ok. I'm a big girl and can handle real-life situations, I just needed to get a few things out. I am starting to feel better already. Sorry if I brought you down, don't say you weren't warned.

11 comments:

DowdleFam said...

Oh the honesty. Good job Hope! I have a friend that just delivered a stillborn, 3 days before her actual due date. She is all happy and churchy and I know she just wants to yell and scream just like you.

Amy Stocking said...

Guess what? You're allowed to have those feelings. Just because other things in life are good or other people may have something worse going on in their lives doesn't mean youre feelings aren't validated as well.
Those feelings are genuine and real and there is nothing wrong with that.
I know I haven't been in your shoes but I have felt lose and sadness and I'm willing to listen anytime you want to vent.
I love you !

Twila said...

It's not fair. I'm sorry love.

Heidi said...

Hang in there hopie. Some times it does feel beter to get it all out. Some time its hard to understand why these things happen but it always gets better i promise you that.

The Strattons said...

oh hun! i feel some of those exact same ways! about the complaining thing for sure! i dont know at all what it feels like to go what you are going through, but i feel for you! go ahead and rant! you are saying all the things i dont have the guts to say! ♥

Tyra said...

Hopie! I Love your stinkin guts!

Mat and Jamie Holt said...

I truly could have written this post myself a few years ago. I understand ALL of your frustrations! My sister found out she was pregnant after my 2nd miscarriage and no it was not planned and she reminded me ALL the time how the baby was not wanted. I got to hear all about how miserable she was and how over having kids she was. She only had 2 but did NOT want any more. Besides Heaven forbid she gain weight! Oh BTW I STILL get emails yearly telling me how old my baby would have been. I still get over emotional and wonder why the babies didn't want to come to us. I'm sad you have to go through it. :) LOVES!

Malea said...

If all my babies came, I'd have 7 kids by now. It sucks. I even had a relative who told me so-and-so's miscarriage was way worse than mine. umhmm. I really feel for you. And I think of you often. Just know that the part (after you are done birthing babies) when sex is really really just for fun will be here sooner than you think.

Malea said...

ps. just DANCE!!! See you tomorrow:)

Jen said...

I know exactly how you feel. :*(
The only thing that sustains me is to know that our Heavenly Father knows the complete plan and apparantly that baby wasn't meant to come to our family at this time.

Deann said...

Thanks Hope. So much of how I feel on a daily basis is in this post. I needed to read this tonite for so many reasons. I admire you so much.
Thank you!