Ok, here's the deal. If you are reading this and needing a life-is-so-good-I'm-actually-growing-flowers-out-my-butt kind of post, well, click the back button and keep looking. I will admit that my life is pretty good right now, but that is not what this post is going to be about. I am going to bitch a little and it might get really ugly, SO, if you don't want to read something like that...... go somewhere else.
I don't know where to start, but I feel like I'm about to explode. I am sooooo mad that I miscarried. I hate all the stupid e-mails that I signed up for when I found out I was pregnant in August. They are weekly reminders of how pregnant I SHOULD be right now. I have unsubscribed to most of them, but when I think I got them all **BOOM** there's another one!!! Just when I get that under control, I get the realization that I was going to be pregnant and due with 2 of my good friends and 3 of my nieces!!! That's right, all 6 of us were due within 5 weeks of each other. Well, they all continued to be pregnant and left me in the dust. Now, they are all finding out what they are having, shopping, planning, getting cute little pregnant bellies and all that fun stuff and what am I doing? Failing at getting pregnant. After my D&C, it took 5 whole weeks for me to have a period, so that means it was THAT much longer before we could try again to get pregnant. That 5 weeks is an eternity when everyone around you is pregnant and you want to be. Then I log onto Facebook and hear some other pregnant moms COMPLAINING about being pregnant and it takes everything in me to not drive over to their house and kick them in the face. Do they have ANY IDEA how lucky they are that their baby is kicking them????? DO THEY???? Oh my hell, give it a break already!!!! Whoa.... sorry. *count to ten* Anyhow, it's just really hard to feel like I am failing at something I should be able to do. Now, don't get me wrong, I know I will get pregnant again, I'm just not a patient person and I want it NOW!!!!! I'm not getting younger and the time that goes by is just makes it easier for me to question the decision we have made. I think it's just hard sometimes when I realize that all those sweet girls that are due when I was, are still pregnant and feeling exactly how I want to feel. I don't want to make it awkward for any of them, so I try to keep it to myself. It just gets really hard sometimes when a friend announces that she's having a girl and my niece just found out she's pregnant, all in one day. I am so happy for them, but it feels like salt in a wound. Kind of like they are standing on a hill and shouting, "I AM HAVING A BABY AND YOU AREN'T!!!!!". Holy cow, I sound like the biggest brat on the planet, but I don't care. This is MY BLOG and I can write MY FEELINGS on it. Now, by the time you read this, I will probably be all better, so no need to powder my bottom, I'll be ok. I'm a big girl and can handle real-life situations, I just needed to get a few things out. I am starting to feel better already. Sorry if I brought you down, don't say you weren't warned.
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