Ok, it's 11:30pm, Randy's asleep on the recliner and I decided with 2 1/2 weeks until we go to Salt Lake for my surgery, that I should probably start getting hotel stuff booked. My mom and dad will meet us up there, we are probably taking Maddison and for sure Harper. We are blessed to have a really good friend that works for Marriott. He can get us rooms at a really good rate. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't, but we always try. So, I get online, browsing around. All the ones Brian can get us are like 10 miles or more away. When I think of being that far away from my baby, my heart starts to race. Then I think of not being able to nurse her after my surgery because of the stupid blood thinner and my heart races faster and then the tears start to flow. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!! I don't want to go up. I don't want to have surgery. I don't want to be away from my baby or any of my other children. I don't want to be a burden on my family. I don't want a broken heart. I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS. I'm so scared. To everyone this is such an easy thing, you're broken.... get fixed. It's just not that easy for me. I am so damn scared I can't even put it into words. I like my life. I don't want it to change. I don't like the headaches, but life isn't always fun, I can deal with it. Just when I think I have everyone (including myself) buffaloed, my sister tells me on Facebook that she can see the pain in my eyes in this picture.
She's right. This was the 4th of July at my best friend's house. I had been faking it all day long. Trying to not let on to anyone that my head was killing me, but those who know me best KNEW. I know I will get over these feelings of anxiety, but I'm dealing with them NOW and it's REAL and I HATE IT.