The Clyde Family

The Clyde Family

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Not a good feeling.

Ok, it's 11:30pm, Randy's asleep on the recliner and I decided with 2 1/2 weeks until we go to Salt Lake for my surgery, that I should probably start getting hotel stuff booked. My mom and dad will meet us up there, we are probably taking Maddison and for sure Harper. We are blessed to have a really good friend that works for Marriott. He can get us rooms at a really good rate. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't, but we always try. So, I get online, browsing around. All the ones Brian can get us are like 10 miles or more away. When I think of being that far away from my baby, my heart starts to race. Then I think of not being able to nurse her after my surgery because of the stupid blood thinner and my heart races faster and then the tears start to flow. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!! I don't want to go up. I don't want to have surgery. I don't want to be away from my baby or any of my other children. I don't want to be a burden on my family. I don't want a broken heart. I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS. I'm so scared. To everyone this is such an easy thing, you're broken.... get fixed. It's just not that easy for me. I am so damn scared I can't even put it into words. I like my life. I don't want it to change. I don't like the headaches, but life isn't always fun, I can deal with it. Just when I think I have everyone (including myself) buffaloed, my sister tells me on Facebook that she can see the pain in my eyes in this picture.

She's right. This was the 4th of July at my best friend's house. I had been faking it all day long. Trying to not let on to anyone that my head was killing me, but those who know me best KNEW. I know I will get over these feelings of anxiety, but I'm dealing with them NOW and it's REAL and I HATE IT.


Jeremy Reynolds Family said...

I know you are scared but remember Heavenly Father will not give you more than you can handle. Also it will be so great for you and your baby to feel better. If you think about it your baby has never had the opportunity to know the real you. You have been sick since she was born. Hopie this too shall pass. Pray always and open yourself to feel Heavenly Father's love for you. You can do this. :)

Rachel Doyle said...

Hopie -- It is scary and real. No one wants to be broken. When I found out I had cancer - I was heart broken -- when I found out that I could not hold or see my children for a week because of the radiation -- I thought I was going to die. I had three little kids, no family around to take them -- they had to stay with my neighbors, it was Christmas time - I felt cheated. But we as mothers have to do what is best for our children - take care of ourselves so we can take care of them. It will be ok --

Wendy said...

Hopie, You are STRONG! You can do this. We are praying for you. Your family is praying for you. Your friends are praying for you. We are all here. Life always throws us curve balls at all the wrong times. But in the end, they still end up where they are suppose to be. Go get fixed so that you can live your life to the fullest!

We Love You!