The Clyde Family

The Clyde Family

Monday, November 8, 2010

What birthdays mean to me....

This blog post is typed with raw emotions at the risk of sounding totally and utterly selfish on my part and making some people mad. If you do not wish to have your feelings challenged, stop reading here.
***Consider yourself warned***

Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. Birthdays are such a weird thing for me. When I was younger, I would go over the top with excitement to overpower some of my feelings that I didn't understand and still don't.

When most kids are born, it's a joyful occasion that is looked at as a highlight of their lives, mine is a little different for me. My birth story as told by my mom.... my mom wouldn't take my biological mom to the hospital the night before I was born because Gone With the Wind was airing for the first time on TV, my baby blanket wasn't done yet and ultimately, my mom knew my biological mom wasn't really in good labor yet and she could wait!!! Well, they waited till the movie was over and everything went just fine. More proof that my mom always have been and always will be very intuitive. She always knows what is best.

What's the big deal? I wish THAT part wasn't a part of ME. Honestly, I wish I could just pretend I came from my parents and none of THOSE parts were there. I am not trying to minimize how blessed I am to have been raised the way I was. I was always loved... A LOT. I was a very confident person and still am, but for some reason, thinking that I was a disappointment to someone before I was even born is a little confusing.

I am probably speaking through pregnancy hormones, but my feelings always get stronger around my birthday, the birth of my own children and other significant events in my life.

I look at these pictures and think of how different my life is than other kids. Sure, I have sisters that love me like CRAZY, I have parents that have sacrificed so much for me, I have the most amazing extended family a girl could ask for and a husband that does the best with the mess he married into, but unless you are adopted, I don't think there is any way to understand how I am feeling. Hell, I don't even understand it. I just know that there are certain phone calls I will avoid tomorrow and there are certain people that it's easier to cling to on my birthdays because they know my heart and know how confusing it is for me to "celebrate" another birthday. I feel selfish for even saying that because of what I DO have, but it's deep down, WAY down that things get weird for me.

I usually don't talk about my feelings, but for some reason I can't help it tonight. It's weird. Look how much my mom and dad love me. You can FEEL the love coming out of them. Why couldn't THEY be the ones I was born to? Even though I am surrounded by people who love me so much, it's the ones that couldn't/wouldn't that make a difference. Was it THAT bad? Was it THAT hard? I know I was supposed to be in the family I am, but those weird feelings are still there. Like I was a problem, a "situation".
The older I get, for some reason, the harder this is. I feel this sense of loneliness and sadness that is hard to explain. It's like the more I love who I am, the more I doubt myself. That makes NO sense at all.

Uhgggg..... I have been crying for hours and I thought this would help, but those stupid tears just keep rolling off my face!?!

I love that Randy doesn't try to "fix" me. He just listens. He listens a lot. He hears things I would never tell another soul and you know what, he still loves me. He is a good man, in fact, such a good man that he just baked some chocolate cookies to make me feel better. I think it might work.

Sorry for the rant, I don't know why it happened, but maybe one day I will. Until then, you're stuck with me the way I am. Thanks for listening.


Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to my favorite girl in the world!!! I know how hard that all of this is hard for you and i wish i had the right words to say- i honestly don't know what my life would be without you in it. i think of all the twists and turns our lives have taken just for us to know each other- i honestly believe that Heavenly Father knew just how special you are and knew that you needed a special story- I LOVE YOU!!! Holly

Heidi said...

Happy Birthday hoppie. Sometimes it is crazy how things happen but it is all for some reason we just don't no. Your lucky that you have so many people that love you all around you.

Jamaica said...

Hope, we are more alike then we realized. The only think that is different is that I was raised by my birth mother and then she decided not to be a mom anymore. However, I had the best "mom" step up to the plate even though I was over the age of 18. I am still trying to figure out how my life turned out the way that it has.

Well anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Mat and Jamie Holt said...

I'm so glad things turn out the way they do sometimes! SO happy you were born and have such a wonderful loving family surrounding you. You are an amazing person!!!

Our ABC Family said...

Hope, you are my hero! I know you have your struggles and your ups and downs, but you are always so happy and positive and love life! I look up to you a lot! Thank you for sharing your feelings, I love you tons girl!