Yep, it's a big deal

As much as I'm trying to down play this whole, "you have a hole in your heart" business, it's kinda freaking me out a bit!!! I got my appointment with the cardiovascular surgeon in Salt Lake City for July 27th. If there is a cancellation, I will get in sooner. I will go up on a Wednesday, get the bubble ECHO done by the surgeon (it's the test I had done down here that showed the hole, they want to do it themselves up there to see exactly how bad it is and not just trust someone else) and depending on how bad it is, I will probably go in the next morning for the procedure. I will have to spend that night in the hospital. I found out today that the surgeon is #1 in the the WORLD for the number of repairs he does and the success rate. And here I was complaining about going to Salt Lake!?! People come from all over the world for him. I Googled "PFO repair" and Dr. Sorenson's site was at the very top of the Google search. I am feeling a little better about this!!!

I got bad news today. I can't breastfeed while on the blood thinner that I have to take for 3 months after I have the surgery. I am a HUGE breastfeeding advocate and this is killing me. I talked to my doctor and I will give Harper formula for that 3 months and let my milk dry up (3 months is a loooong time to be pumping). After that 3 months, he will give me a medicine to help me bring my milk back in. I am a total Jersey cow, if anyone can do this, I CAN!!!! I should be a wet nurse, my milk is so good. I don't want to start pumping because that will just make weening her even harder on me physically. I feel that formula is really good now and in this situation, it will be just fine for my sweet baby. At least that's what I'm telling myself in hopes that I start to believe it!!!!

I have calmed down a bit. I get a little freaked out sometimes. I am enormously overwhelmed, but there is nothing that can be done to help that. When I get nutso, I have to remember that I'm not the only one going through this. I can't even imagine how this might feel for Randy. It makes me cry. But I have to give a big THANK YOU to everyone that has stepped up with love and support. Blog comments, e-mails, Facebook comments, phone calls, prayers and just general support. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people. I have said it in the past and I still mean it, I don't deserve the love that I've got through this hard time. My friends and family are truly the best there ever was. Just when I feel like I'm going to die because of anxiety, someone stops by or calls or any number of other forms of showing support and love. I am genuinely blessed.

We will get through this. I can do this. I've never been afraid of anything before in my life, this sure as hell is not going to change me!!! My doctor actually said today that he doesn't know any 2 more stubborn people in the world than me and the neurologist he sent me to (think that was planned? I do!!!). I took it as it was meant, as a compliment. He is such a great doctor and I'm glad he's on my side.

I found out that I can keep doing normal stuff without the fear of danger. I was afraid of passing out when I was driving and crashing. Dr. Chamberlain assured me that it was pretty rare for that to happen and to resume regular activities. Well, as regular as chronic headaches would allow!!!

So again, thank you for the love and support. It is helping me so much. I am trying to be tough, but sometimes reality sinks in and I'm scared to DEATH. But I do know that with Randy by my side the whole time, I will be ok. If you knew what this poor boy had to deal with on a daily basis, you would know that he is an angel on Earth!!!! I know that we will get through this and be stronger because of it. I know that.

So, Harper, what do you think about mommy not nursing you for 3 months? Be honest.......


That's what I thought!!! haha!!!!

A broken heart.

Sounds sad, huh? It is.

I have had headaches for 3 1/2 months now and sometimes they gets so bad I can't take care of my family. Nothing helps, NOTHING. I have done everything and anything that people have told me to do to fix a headache. My General Practitioner sent me to a Neurologist when everything he could do for migraines wasn't working.

Dr. Taj Becker is her name. She's not a nicey, nicey girl. She is an investigator. She gets to the bottom of what's going on and gets it fixed so you can have normal life back. I have so much confidence in her.

The last 2 weeks, I have had
*an MRI
*an MRA
*a bubble ECHO
*ultra sound on my the arteries on my neck
*lots and lots of blood work
*pulse ox sleep test at home
*follow up with Dr. Chamberlain

Then Friday was finally my follow up with Dr. Becker. She was going out of town and wanted to get me going on any treatments while she was gone. Mind you, my headaches (that are NOT migraines) were still going strong. The pain never gets below a 4 on the 1-10 pain scale. And then there are times it just takes my life over completely.

Going over all the results of the tests, she got to the bubble ECHO test and asked if any of my family had holes in their hearts. Not that I know of (and after some research on the Albrecht, Jorgensen, Memmott, and Hughes sides, no family history of it). The bubble ECHO showed that I have a shunt, or a hole in my heart. Shunt basically means wrong blood flow. So, my organs are not getting the oxygenated blood like they should and the headaches are my body's way of saying that something is wrong.

She said unfortunately they are unable to do the tests or the repair down here, we would have to travel the 300 miles to do anything further in Salt Lake City. As you can imagine, I freaked out!!!! I have a 3 month old baby and 3 other kids, it's my kid's summer vacation, we don't have money that we want to spend to go to SLC, blah, blah, blah. I kind of just shut down.

I asked her if I could go to a cardiologist down here first. She informed me that there would be nothing they could do. NOTHING. It would be a waste of my time, but in my mind, there was NO WAY I was going up north, so I can just see a cardiologist down here.

I got an appointment with my GP, Dr. Chamberlain on Tuesday and then the Cardiologist down here, Dr. Price on Wednesday. I just thought we could do that for now and see how we feel about it all. I was in major denial and didn't want to know that my heart was broken. I was mad, confused, scared, really scared and yet still wanting these headaches to go away. Overwhelmed in a major way.

Saturday, my mom called their good friend that a year ago had passed out driving a school bus of children and crashed. Thank goodness, no one was hurt. He had the same thing as me. Dr. Becker's tests found it on him too. He went up on a Monday, they did another bubble ECHO and saw the hole. He spent the night in a hotel, had surgery the next morning. They were able to go through his groin and patch and sew up the hole in his heart. He spent that night in the hospital and then came back home to St. George. He had some weight restrictions for 4 months, 20 lbs. He had discomfort, not pain and now he feels like a new man. This is great news.

Friday I was so freaked out. But after talking to Paul, I'm feeling much better about it. I'm still scared as hell, but maybe I can do this. I don't want to be a burden on my family, I don't want people to worry about me, I don't waste my kid's summer cuz "mommy's sick" and now my mom and dad have postponed their trip up to the mountain to camp because of me. Pride is getting in my way, but hopefully that will go away as I get used to what's going to happen.

I'm still confused and angry. I've never shut down like that. It wasn't comfortable. I don't want to do that again. So, we'll see how the week goes and how I feel. The Neurologist has the orders written for me to go to SLC, I just have to say the word and we'll be up there. I need a minute to get used to it.

All of this from some damn headaches. I'm grateful that we got it before I passed out and crashed my car with my children in it or anything else that could have gone wrong. I am being blessed by catching it now before anyone gets hurt.

I am grateful for the amazing family and wonderful friends I have that are carrying me through this already. Not many times in my life have I ever lost control, this was one of them. I didn't know what I was doing and where to turn. It didn't last long, though!!!!

Thank you for your support. I will keep everyone updated as good as I can. I'm still trying to calm down over the fact that my heart is broken and will need to be repaired. Doesn't that happen to "someone else"? I guess that's me!!!!

Keep my family in your prayers. I don't think this is going to be easy for any of us. We will rely on our Heavenly Father to get us through it.

Sorry this post is super long, but it's a lot of info. Until next time!!!!

Stuck.

At times my headaches get completely unbearable. This is one of those times. I am so grateful for Randy's work. I am so grateful that he's been getting so many hours lately, but there he sleeps, Harper is fussy tonight and here I am in extreme pain. What am I supposed to do? I'm going to take some pain pills, drink a Coke (people say it helps to dilate the blood vessels in my brain) and pray. There's sure been a lot of praying happening, but prayer sure doesn't seem to help this pain. NOTHING seems to help this pain. All I want to do it cry, but that hurts too bad. I'm really getting sick of it. I've been as patient as I can be. I feel stuck and I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Busy and tired!!!

No, I have not fallen off the face of the Earth!!! haha!!!

A lot has been happening in our family. I have been trying to get all the testing done that my neurologist has ordered to figure out my chronic headaches. I have been at doctors or clinics constantly the last 2 weeks!!! Lots of diagnostic stuff going on. I go to the neurologist again on Friday and we'll have a lot, if not all of the results back. I feel like if I'm not running around then I'm too tired to do anything!!!! I have a lot of confidence in my doctors and feel like this mystery will be solved soon.



Harper's growing like crazy and I'm having a blast with her!!!

Harper in her Bumbo seat, or her "Buttbo" as Tyler calls it!!!

Cambelle is getting 3 molars right now, so she's crabbier than usual (yes, that IS possible).

Tyler is spending almost everyday playing in the water in our backyard.

And Maddison is just relaxing and enjoying her Summer, so far!!!

Randy is HOT!!!! Well, he works construction and it's 102 degrees outside right now. WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT? ;) hehe!!! He's been getting a lot of hours lately, which is nice for our bank account, but bad for family time. He is wiped out. He has been going to work at O'dark-thirty. Between 3am and 4am everyday!!! YIKES!!!! He works so hard for our family.

Anyhow, I hope you are all doing good. I know a few of my friends are having big struggles right now, so hopefully the rest of you are happy and healthy. Until next time.....

MY baby!!!!

After almost 12 years of hearing, "Oh my word, your kids look just like the Clydes" and thinking I might not have had anything to do with their conception or birth, I got this picture of Harper in her stroller at the splash pad.


Look close.......






Now we all know that she IS my daughter!!!! hahaha!!!! Have a good day!!!

Answered prayers.

I can't give a lot of details, but I found out some information today to confirm to me that our Heavenly Father listens to us and knows us. He will never let us down. He will take care of all of His children. I am so grateful for a loving Father that I can count on to keep His children safe. When we can do no more, HE takes up the slack. I am ever so grateful.

Goodbye Chuck

My nephew left on Saturday with the 222 National Guard Unit, the "Triple Deuce". I had the opportunity to take pictures of them the day before he left. These pictures will be treasured by many, especially my niece and her boys. I am so grateful for Chuck and all he does for us. It's not easy, especially this time. This is his 3rd deployment. He goes to Iraq this time. We wont see him for a year. I HATE it. I am so proud of him and of Brittney, but they have 3 little boys this time. Liam is only 3 weeks older than Harper. That will make a HUGE difference this time. I'm glad I got to do these pictures. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!!! MY PHOTOGRAPHY BLOG

A work in progress.

I've been so emotional lately. I am trying my hardest to stay out of the grips of postpartum depression. It takes amazing effort for me every, single day. I am trying to be aware of how I treat people and remember that what I say effects people. I suck at a lot of things, but damn it, I am doing my best. I guess that's about all I can do, right? Please be patient with me and know that I am doing my best. I really am. Everyday when I wake up, I try to make the day better than the day before. I will continue to work on this, I hope my loved ones will stay by my side to see me through these trying times.

AN INFANT?

Ok, I am having some issues today. Harper turns 3 months today and medically, that is when she crosses over from a "newborn" to an "infant". I am trying not to cry.

She is such a fun baby. She is all girlie, the sounds she makes are girlie, she is really flirty, oh she is just delicious!!!! She doesn't like the car, she doesn't take a Binky but she does have an opinion!!!! But you have to talk to her to get her to tell you it!!!!!

She is so perfect in every way. I keep pinching myself that maybe this is just a dream!?! She brings such joy to our family. I never knew we were missing anything until she came!!!! So, I look forward to the trouble she will be getting into in these next stages of life, but I will sadly miss the NEWBORN stage!!!

Happy 3 month birthday!!!
I LOVE YOU HARPER!!!