This Is It!!!

I just went to the movie about Michael Jackson's last concert plans. Even if you aren't a Michael fan, please keep reading... give me a chance.

This movie was sooo amazing at so many levels. I know a lot of people don't love MJ like I do, I am not too proud to admit that I think he is an amazing artist, a wonderful visionary, and a performer like the world will never see again. This film was shot like a documentary, they filmed the rehearsals for the concert he was putting together to show in London. He had sold out 50 concerts, only shown in London. Sadly, he would die before he would ever get to show anyone the full concert. They had filmed a bunch of the rehearsals and put them together so the world can see what we all missed.

I think it is incredibly sad that he is not alive anymore and that is the reason why the decided to release this film. But, having said that, what a blessing it is that those who can't get to London to see it in person, still get to feel of his creativity and love for everything he does.

I went with my sister, my 2 nieces, and Rachel's SIL and brother. I'm happy that I got to go with people that I knew appreciated Michael Jackson and his work. There were times in this film that I laughed, I cried and a LOT of times that I wanted to (and maybe did) stand up and dance. We clapped, we danced in our seats, we sang along to all the wonderful songs and just enjoyed every second of the film.

When it was all over and we were walking out, I knew that I could walk right back in the theatre and watch it again.... it was THAT good!!!! I can't wait till it comes out on DVD. If you are debating seeing the film, go, go, go and you wont regret it. I think it's only being shown for 2 weeks. It was like being at one of his concerts for 2 hours. I can't say enough about it. I loved it soooo much.

Go see it and leave me your comments to tell me what you think about it!!!

Now, scroll down to my music player, play some MJ songs and shake your booty for me, would ya? You'll like it!!! I promise!!!!

I'M BBBAAAACCCCKKKK!!!!!

So, that was a week that I would be completely fine never having!!!! The last few posts have been so depressing, I'm sorry. I'm not good at controlling what I say, especially on my blog, and especially when times are hard. Most people pull inward and hold in their feelings, I have the opposite reaction. I just let it all out!!!!

I talked in one post about some family members that were less-than-supportive, if you think it's you....it's not!!! We have talked to them about it and told them how hurt we were. So, if we didn't have that conversation with you.... nothing to worry about!!!!

The kids are all swine free!!! Yesterday was Tyler's first day back to school and today was Maddison's first day back!!! I feel so bad for how sick those poor things were. I'm glad we got it over with and PRAY that they never get that sick again in their lives!!! Cambelle never got sick, thank goodness. She's crabby enough when she's feeling well!!!!

I'm physically getting better from the D&C. I am just super tired.... like to the extreme!!! BUT, I am healing and that's what needs to happen. When I went to the OBGYN on Friday, he said everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. I am still dealing with some lower back pain, he thinks they had me on the table in a bad position during surgery. THANKS A LOT!!!!!! It is getting better, though.

Now, if we could just get a handle on these emotions!!!! I can cry for nothing!!!! Randy and I are both struggling emotionally with this miscarriage for some reason. I think we will get better everyday. The nice thing is that we both know how the other one is feeling. Yet, another test to bring Randy and I closer!!!! LIKE WE NEED IT!!!! COME ON!!!! hehehe!!!!

As hard as things have been, we have seen so many wonderful things happen because of it. We are so grateful for all of the love and support that has been sent our way. There was a moment when the doctor called to confirm that Tyler had H1N1 that I literally didn't think I could go on. I didn't know how I could keep going one more minute. I took one breath at a time, one step at a time, and minute by minute, we made it through. It was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back!!! But because of so many that were sending love and support our way, we were able to come out on top!!! Every word from you was a stepping stone for us to getting on with life. You were all truly inspired, and we're glad you acted on those inspirations!!!

So, I'M BACK!!!!! I'm not promising that there wont be crappy entries once in a while, but I hope to come out of my hole a little and LIVE again!!!! It's time!!! And anyway..... soon there will be more baby making going on!!!! Nothing bad about that, is there?

Sometimes.....

Sometimes I feel like life isn't fair.
Sometimes I can't handle anymore.
Sometimes I get mad that my dad has caner.
Sometimes I get mad that my parents are getting old.
Sometimes I feel Randy's crash was just the beginning of our tests.
Sometimes I feel like losing this baby was more than I can take.
Sometimes I feel like Tyler getting swine flu was a curse.
Sometimes I felt like Maddison was going to die from swine.
Sometimes I want to close my eyes and go away forever.
Sometimes I want to kill people that are heartless.

Sometimes I can only hold on to my faith that I will survive.
Sometimes I feel like I am unworthy of the love we have been shown by so many.
Sometimes I think I can't love my husband any more, and then I get proven wrong.
Sometimes I am happy that Tyler got swine and survived, it means he is stronger now.
Sometimes my kids remind me of how much they can carry me through problems.
Sometimes when my life is dark and I feel I can't go on, there is a tiny light for me to follow.
Sometimes when Randy holds my hand, I know I will be ok.
Sometime I need to be reminded that Christ died for ALL of my heartaches.

This is one of those "sometimes".

It's Maddison's turn now :(

I am so happy that my children have finally learned the concept of sharing, too bad it's the swine flu that they are sharing. Maddison woke up with a nightmare early this morning and she was running a fever. It was almost laughable that Maddison has it now and that Cambelle will surely be getting it also. For the way our week has gone, I kind of expected it. So, I called the doctor and he called in Tamiflu for both of the girls. Where Tyler tested positive, there's no reason to test the girls. Maddison threw up a couple of times and then has spent the day like this...... I feel so sorry for my kids when they are sick. It's so hard to see them not feeling well. My mom went to the pharmacy and got the girls' medicine, Holly got some more Tylenol for Maddison and my neighbor brought over some Coke for me. With all of our guardian angels, we might just survive this!!!


Cambelle and I decided to take a little shnooze.......

But not Tyler, he's good as gold!!! We just have to be overly cautious for him not getting a secondary infection now that he's had swine flu. If he gets bronchitis, pneumonia, or a cold, at this point it could be deadly. We will take extra care of the kids to make sure none of them get anything else.



Peggy sent dinner home with Randy tonight. Thanks, mom. We've had dinner made for us this whole week and I am so grateful. I am still struggling, trying to get my strength back and stay out of pain, so any help we have got has been soooo appreciated.

Randy and I are still trying to sort our feelings out from the miscarriage. It's been a lot harder than either one of us have expected. Tomorrow is my one week check up with the OBGYN after my D&C. It will be nice to see how much longer I need to anticipate feeling this way.

Anyhow, thank you to all of the special people in our lives that have helped us so much this last week. It has been such a trying experience for us, as some of you have also experienced. We will get through this, only with the help of all of our loved ones, for sure. We are so blessed to have such wonderful support from family and friends. Thank you!!!

I think I can... I think I can....

I don't know why things are so hard right now, but I feel like life has taken a big, old dump on my family. Just when I feel like the pressure from the struggles we are going through are going to be more than I can handle.... we get a call from our doctor that Tyler's H1N1 test came back positive. So, all the crap that we have been dealing with isn't enough, let's just throw a little swine flu on top of it. I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer, but seriously, how much more can I handle? I don't want to be tested anymore. I'm done. I know I can get through anything I get thrown at me, but ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!! I am one girl just doing the very best I can. I am fine to be done for this round. I feel like I am so raw that one more thing is going to push me over the edge. So, like in the book The Little Engine That Could, I will chant, "I think I can, I think I can...." over and over until we get to the top of this hill.

On the mend

This weekend has been a memorable one, but one I would like to forget. I am feeling sooooo much better physically. My back is still feeling like I'm having back labor, probably from the medicine they give me to make my uterus contract. I will be calling the doctor in a minute to see if there is anything I can do to make it feel better. Now, if I could lasso my emotions, then we'd all be good. Randy's having a hard time with emotions also. I figure it's because he doesn't have the physical pain, like I do, to detract from the emotional stuff. I like that my husband is a sensitive person, but it is a double edged sword in situations like this.

We have been so blessed with so much support from family, friends and neighbors. Our neighbors, the Rindlisbacher's, have been through some of the hardest times I can ever imagine and the other night they brought a basket of goodies over. In that basket is a book called Tear Soup, A Recipe For Healing by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen. It was exactly what I needed to read. It is a book about sympathy and compassion. It is really great for anyone dealing with any kind of loss. It's in kid book format, so, it's a super easy read. I would recommend it to anyone having a hard time right now.



I am trying to get a handle on the emotional side of things. I know that everything happens for a reason and that it's a bonus that we know now that we can get pregnant, but the emptiness I am feeling is still hard to deal with. One thing that is really tearing me up is the lack of care from certain key people. People that I have been there for so many times, people that I expect to be there to hold me up and show support are all of a sudden..... GONE. Are they going through something big that I don't know about that would explain their absence? Do they not know what to say? I think a call or even acknowledging what has gone on would be sufficient. I don't understand and I'm afraid when they finally do pull their heads out of their butts, I'm not going to be nice. I need to figure out how to not let it affect me. It's not to discount how much love and compassion has been shown to us, but there are some family members and those that we are super close to that are killing me by not recognizing our pain. Am I being a pouty pants about it? Yes. Do I wish I could just forget about it? Yes. Until then, I will blog my feelings and hopefully get feeling better about it. My sweet friend sent me a link to a blog about what to say when your loved ones are struggling. THIS BLOG tells some things that are appropriate to say in these situations when you don't know what else to say. Thanks for that link!!!

Anyhow, I'm rambling now. Overall, I think we're on the mend. We have to wait for me to have one period and then we'll be back in the baby making business again!!!! We can handle that part!!! So, again, THANK YOU for the support and encouragement. I feel like there are angels all around me, helping when I feel like I am totally in the dark. I appreciate every one's love, support and compassion so much.

The hurt inside.

Remember this disclaimer? Well, this is one of those blog posts I was talking about. If you are needing a blog post where I am skipping through fields of wild flowers and rainbows shooting out my butt.... this isn't it.

After Randy's crash, the urologist ordered a semen analysis and the results showed that, because of the impact of his crash, he did not have very much sperm and what sperm there WAS wasn't moving very well. He warned us that Randy MAY be fertile but there could possibly be permanent damage that COULD prevent us from having more children. Well, until that point, we had agreed that we were probably not going to have any more children, but with that choice taken away from us, it made us look at life a little differently. We decided very quickly after that test that we would try to have another baby. I went on some medication to make me ovulate because I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which means I rarely ovulate. One thing led to another and I was pregnant the very first month we tried!!!! I have never been so ready as I was to be pregnant right then, which is weird because just 2 months before that, if you would have asked, I would have told you that I was done having children.

We got a positive pregnancy test on 09-09-09 but Randy insisted that we not tell our families until we heard a heartbeat. He usually doesn't have strong opinions, so it was weird for him to be so insistent. We told a handful of very close friends, one of my sisters and one of his brothers. A couple of weeks later, I started spotting, which led to a couple of weeks of blood work, and ultra-sounds. Well, last week, my dad found out that he had prostate cancer and that on Tuesday he would need some tests done that require radioactive material being put in his veins. I found out that I would not be able to be around him, but to know for how long, we would have to ask HIS doctor that would administer the test.... thus making it impossible for us to keep our secret any longer.

We had a great Monday night telling our kids about the pregnancy then telling my SHOCKED family, and rushing to Hurricane to announce the big news to his family. It was such a fun night, but we warned everyone that Thursday would be a follow-up ultra-sound that could end this fun with the potential of bad news. We all hoped for the best.

Thursday came and the morning welcomed us all with great news that my dad's cancer had NOT spread, it was all still in his prostate. So many prayers had been answered, I was hoping to not sound greedy when praying that we would have more good news in the afternoon at the ultra-sound.

As we were taken in for the ultra-sound, I knew that as soon as I saw the screen, I would know if it was good or bad news. Well, I should have been close to 10 weeks along and there was just an elongated 5 week sac. No different then 2 weeks previous when we thought the explanations was that my dates were off. I knew at that very second that I had lost this pregnancy over a month ago. Try as she might, the ultra-sound tech could find no sign of life and Randy and I could find no end to our tears. The rest of Thursday was extremely hard, telling our children the bad news was excruciating. It had been a week full of ups and downs, this being more than I thought I could handle.

Yesterday (Friday), I had an appointment with Dr. Chamberlain to go over the results of our ultra-sound. Randy was on a mandatory job for work, so my mom came with me to hold my hand. He discussed my options as far as letting the baby pass on it's own or having a D&C. I kept having the strong prompting to get the D&C. He sent me right over to an OBGYN that is on call this weekend. After a complete physical examination and medical history review, he explained all of my options. Knowing that medically, the best option was to let it pass naturally, I couldn't ignore the sense of urgency to have a D&C. Dr. Fagnant and Dr. Chamberlian both supported me in making the decision to have the surgery done as soon as possible. Dr. Fagnant called the hospital and found out that they had an opening right away and they would be waiting for me to get there.

I called Randy and told him to get there ASAP, went to my mom and dad's house to tell the kids, called Randy's brother, Cory, and asked him to just take care of getting the kids ready for a sleepover at the Clyde's house and off we went. With my mom there, holding my hand the whole time, we went to the new hospital for surgery. Randy made it in time to be with me before they took me back. When it came time for the surgery and I was in the hallway outside the OR, all alone, that's when it hit me what was going on. It was horrible. I didn't want to lose this baby. Yes, I know that we are blessed that we know now that it is possible for us to even get pregnant, but I so badly didn't want to lose THIS BABY.

The doctors and nurses were so professional and compassionate. As I went to sleep, I could hear the Eagles playing on the speakers of the OR. I woke just over an hour later to Dr. Fagnant standing over me, telling me that I had made the right decision. When he got in my uterus, there was more tissue then he thought, making it a LOT harder, if not impossible for me to pass it on my own. I love that my Heavenly Father blessed me with the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

The next hour was very painful, the medicine they give for uterine contractions is not fun. I kept needing more pain meds then it would make me dry heave, so then I needed anti-nausea medication. Finally, I was good enough to go from post-op to recovery, where my mom and Randy were there with me. It is so amazing the feeling of comfort I get from my mom and Randy. As soon as they were there, I knew I was going to be ok.

There were so many phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, gifts and acts of service that I find myself, yet again, not feeling worthy of my blessings. So here I sit, at 4am, feeling like I'm having a period from hell, hoping that Randy is sleeping because I know he needs it. I'm not sure what is hurting worse, my body or my soul. There is an ache inside that I know will dull at some point. Our very first pregnancy in 1998 ended this same way. I know that everything happens for a reason, I don't doubt the Plan of Salvation AT ALL, but for right now.... this just sucks and it's ok that it just does.

I know that I will heal, physically and emotionally, and I know that we will try to have another baby as soon as possible. Until then, I will be holding my children a little tighter, leaning on Randy to old me when I am weak and feeling comforted in knowing that I have an amazing family and wonderful friends that will be there to hold my hand through this hard time.

Like I said, this blog post isn't one of those "my life is perfect in every way" kind of posts, but this is REAL, these feelings are REAL and one day I will be able to re-read this and see how far I've come. To those special angels that have helped me in any way.... THANK YOU. Without you all, this would be so much more hard. I am so blessed in so many ways. So, this next little while might be full of ups and downs. Please keep holding on to me and help me when I need it, I know I will need a lot of help to heal and move forward.

To my dear Randy, I know you will read this, I love you so much and I am so lucky to have you as my eternal companion to be by my side forever and ever. You are my rock. I love you.

Until next time!!!!

Consider yourself warned

So, one of the main reasons I blog is to have it made into a book, like a journal. That means I will/have blogged about extremely personal experiences. It makes some people uncomfortable to talk about personal things.... I am not one of those people. If you know me very well, you know that NOTHING is off limits in having a personal conversation with me. This blog is no different. If this makes you uneasy, you can stop reading at any time. There are things in my life that will be blogged about in the near future that will get brutally honest and extremely hard for some of you to read, but it's my life. A life that isn't always easy, just like everyone else's. The difference is I will talk about it when most people will pull inward. So, consider yourself warned. Any whining on this matter by you in the future will result in me smacking you up side the head. Thanks for reading!!!!

My Grandpa

This is my Grandma and Grandpa Albrecht. 2 of the best grandparents ever in the whole world. Today is a sad anniversary, 7 years ago today my grandpa died having open heart surgery. He was an old pro at heart surgery, but this one would prove too much for his mortal body. It's a horrible day that I will never forget, but today I will focus on the fun things that remind me of my grandpa. He is the only grandpa I ever had growing up, and thank goodness, because no one would be able to compare to him. He's my biological dad's father and I am so blessed to get to spend so much time with my grandparents. He loved his Diet Coke and Tab. He would blow the top of the can to clean it off before he opened it and when he was done, he would suck every last drop out!!! When he wanted your attention, he would snap, but his snaps made no noise, just a rubbing sound!!! He always called me "Sis" and most of the other girls that he loved. I got to spend summers and holidays with them all by myself because they were not my sister's grandparents, just mine!!! I am so blessed to have them in my life. I miss my grandpa every single day. When he died, it was the first time I remember feeling angry that someone had been taken from me. I have had a hard time overcoming those feelings of anger. But I know that one day we will get to be together again!!! One lesson I learned from my grandpa's death was never to ignore promptings. If you get the urge to tell someone you love them, you need to do it. You never know when those you love are going to leave you, so hold them as close as you can. Have a good day today, I know I will by remembering all the fun times I've had with my grandpa!!!

Lucky 13!!!!

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary!!!! YEA US!!!! That means that Randy hasn't killed me yet, he has resisted the urges... all of them!!! Things were a lot different 13 years ago. I think we kinda freaked our families our when we announced our engagement a short 7 months after our first date!!! We got married 9 months to the day after our first date. It was such a beautiful day, sun shining, family from all over was here and I wassooo in love with Randy and still am. My heart raced every time I saw him, still does. I wanted to be with him forever and ever, and I still do. The only thing that has changed is the intensity of the love we have. I am such a lucky girl to have married such an awesome guy.





Here's to another 13 and more. Thanks for making me Mrs. Randy Clyde!!!! I love you!!!

Pelvis Elvis

Randy went for another follow up with the orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday. Since Randy's crash, not quite 4 months ago, he has been doing a lot better than we have expected, but I think we have high expectations that are sometimes impossible to live up to. The last time Randy saw the ortho , he was still on crutches, working part time and sleeping on the couch. Since then, he's ditched all walkers and crutches, works full time and can sleep up to 5 hours on our bed. We are so happy with his progress, but there is a lot that he can't do anymore that was making us nervous that he might NEVER be able to do again. Some of our concerns that we wanted to talk to the doctor were:

*he can't lay on his side AT ALL
*he can't run
*he can't lift anything heavy without pain
*constant aching and discomfort in the front and back of his pelvis
*if he sleeps more than 5 hours in our bed, he can't walk
*he can't wrestle with the kids like usual
*he can't haul wood like he used to (AT ALL)
*he limps after just 2 hours of work
*he can't sit for very long

When we told the doctor that we had a list of things that he is still struggling with, he told US what was on our list without looking at it. He said pelvis fractures take a REALLY long time to recover from. He said not to expect a full recover for 18 months from his crash. That would be not THIS Christmas, but NEXT Christmas!!! He said SOME of the symptoms COULD bepermanent. We're hoping they wont. He will almost definitely have arthritis in his pelvis the rest of his life. Once he gave us some light at the end of the tunnel, he reminded us that we need to keep the list of stuff he CAN do and reminded us of how severe his break was:

*he is working
*he is not dead
*he is not paralyzed
*he didn't need surgery
*he is walking good
*he has strength back in his left leg
*the break is probably as good as it's going to get, which is great

When people see Randy, they think that everything is all better, because he looks like it is, but at the end of the day, we are reminded that he has suffered an extreme break and we need to be patient and let him heal. I'm not the most patient person I know, but it's nice to know that things WILL get better. So, looks like we're in for the long haul, but we can do it!!! Let's get Pelvis Elvis better!!!

Breathe!!!

Yesterday Tyler had his long awaited appointment with the pediatric pulmonologist.

For kids born with diaphragmatic hernias, they face a lifetime of MAJOR lung issues. When Tyler was born, his lower organs were all squished up into his chest, which made his left lung only develop to a little nubby, about the size of his newborn fist. As time has gone on, he has re-written medical books by doing what research says is impossible.... growing new lung tissue.

Well, at his 5 year check up, we got the shock of our lives when it looked as though his left lung had expanded to a full lung!!!! Our doctor ordered a second x-ray, because what he was seeing, he thought was impossible. Sure enough, his 2 lungs LOOKED equal. So, since then, we've been waiting for him to get old enough to do a lung function test and see if they are actually working.

Yesterday was the day!!!! When we got to Dr. Pfeffer (his pulmonologist from Primary Children's), she couldn't believe her eyes. Seeing a healthy boy is NOT what she expected!!! She quizzed me about his breathing and activities and kept showing her amazement about how well he's doing. She talked to him and asked him about his asthma, he asked her what asthma was. She was in awe. She NEVER treats CDH patients that DON'T have asthma. Well, Tyler doesn't!!!

As she listened to his lungs, she kept shaking her head. She just could believe that she was hearing full sounds on both lungs. She listened over and over, thinking she was getting it wrong. But she was hearing him right!!! Then it was time for the pulmonary (lung) function test. He had to breathe in and out when they told him to and a computer would track his progress. It was really hard for him. I think he was still too young for it, but he passed it with flying colors!!! For his size and age, his lungs function at 103% of normal. His lungs function 3% higher than the average kid his size!!!

Dr. Pfeffer was introducing him to the whole staff as "Miracle Tyler". A name we are used to hearing, especially by medical specialists that have treated other CDH patients!!! She was so happy with how well he is doing and said that he was "completely normal". Obviously she doesn't know his parents!!!!

Anyhow, it was another one of those days where I feel extremely blessed and pray that this gives CDH parents hope. What a blessed woman I am to get not just one, but 3 wonderful kids to keep Randy and I company for the rest of eternity!!!