The Clyde Family

The Clyde Family

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The hurt inside.

Remember this disclaimer? Well, this is one of those blog posts I was talking about. If you are needing a blog post where I am skipping through fields of wild flowers and rainbows shooting out my butt.... this isn't it.

After Randy's crash, the urologist ordered a semen analysis and the results showed that, because of the impact of his crash, he did not have very much sperm and what sperm there WAS wasn't moving very well. He warned us that Randy MAY be fertile but there could possibly be permanent damage that COULD prevent us from having more children. Well, until that point, we had agreed that we were probably not going to have any more children, but with that choice taken away from us, it made us look at life a little differently. We decided very quickly after that test that we would try to have another baby. I went on some medication to make me ovulate because I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which means I rarely ovulate. One thing led to another and I was pregnant the very first month we tried!!!! I have never been so ready as I was to be pregnant right then, which is weird because just 2 months before that, if you would have asked, I would have told you that I was done having children.

We got a positive pregnancy test on 09-09-09 but Randy insisted that we not tell our families until we heard a heartbeat. He usually doesn't have strong opinions, so it was weird for him to be so insistent. We told a handful of very close friends, one of my sisters and one of his brothers. A couple of weeks later, I started spotting, which led to a couple of weeks of blood work, and ultra-sounds. Well, last week, my dad found out that he had prostate cancer and that on Tuesday he would need some tests done that require radioactive material being put in his veins. I found out that I would not be able to be around him, but to know for how long, we would have to ask HIS doctor that would administer the test.... thus making it impossible for us to keep our secret any longer.

We had a great Monday night telling our kids about the pregnancy then telling my SHOCKED family, and rushing to Hurricane to announce the big news to his family. It was such a fun night, but we warned everyone that Thursday would be a follow-up ultra-sound that could end this fun with the potential of bad news. We all hoped for the best.

Thursday came and the morning welcomed us all with great news that my dad's cancer had NOT spread, it was all still in his prostate. So many prayers had been answered, I was hoping to not sound greedy when praying that we would have more good news in the afternoon at the ultra-sound.

As we were taken in for the ultra-sound, I knew that as soon as I saw the screen, I would know if it was good or bad news. Well, I should have been close to 10 weeks along and there was just an elongated 5 week sac. No different then 2 weeks previous when we thought the explanations was that my dates were off. I knew at that very second that I had lost this pregnancy over a month ago. Try as she might, the ultra-sound tech could find no sign of life and Randy and I could find no end to our tears. The rest of Thursday was extremely hard, telling our children the bad news was excruciating. It had been a week full of ups and downs, this being more than I thought I could handle.

Yesterday (Friday), I had an appointment with Dr. Chamberlain to go over the results of our ultra-sound. Randy was on a mandatory job for work, so my mom came with me to hold my hand. He discussed my options as far as letting the baby pass on it's own or having a D&C. I kept having the strong prompting to get the D&C. He sent me right over to an OBGYN that is on call this weekend. After a complete physical examination and medical history review, he explained all of my options. Knowing that medically, the best option was to let it pass naturally, I couldn't ignore the sense of urgency to have a D&C. Dr. Fagnant and Dr. Chamberlian both supported me in making the decision to have the surgery done as soon as possible. Dr. Fagnant called the hospital and found out that they had an opening right away and they would be waiting for me to get there.

I called Randy and told him to get there ASAP, went to my mom and dad's house to tell the kids, called Randy's brother, Cory, and asked him to just take care of getting the kids ready for a sleepover at the Clyde's house and off we went. With my mom there, holding my hand the whole time, we went to the new hospital for surgery. Randy made it in time to be with me before they took me back. When it came time for the surgery and I was in the hallway outside the OR, all alone, that's when it hit me what was going on. It was horrible. I didn't want to lose this baby. Yes, I know that we are blessed that we know now that it is possible for us to even get pregnant, but I so badly didn't want to lose THIS BABY.

The doctors and nurses were so professional and compassionate. As I went to sleep, I could hear the Eagles playing on the speakers of the OR. I woke just over an hour later to Dr. Fagnant standing over me, telling me that I had made the right decision. When he got in my uterus, there was more tissue then he thought, making it a LOT harder, if not impossible for me to pass it on my own. I love that my Heavenly Father blessed me with the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

The next hour was very painful, the medicine they give for uterine contractions is not fun. I kept needing more pain meds then it would make me dry heave, so then I needed anti-nausea medication. Finally, I was good enough to go from post-op to recovery, where my mom and Randy were there with me. It is so amazing the feeling of comfort I get from my mom and Randy. As soon as they were there, I knew I was going to be ok.

There were so many phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, gifts and acts of service that I find myself, yet again, not feeling worthy of my blessings. So here I sit, at 4am, feeling like I'm having a period from hell, hoping that Randy is sleeping because I know he needs it. I'm not sure what is hurting worse, my body or my soul. There is an ache inside that I know will dull at some point. Our very first pregnancy in 1998 ended this same way. I know that everything happens for a reason, I don't doubt the Plan of Salvation AT ALL, but for right now.... this just sucks and it's ok that it just does.

I know that I will heal, physically and emotionally, and I know that we will try to have another baby as soon as possible. Until then, I will be holding my children a little tighter, leaning on Randy to old me when I am weak and feeling comforted in knowing that I have an amazing family and wonderful friends that will be there to hold my hand through this hard time.

Like I said, this blog post isn't one of those "my life is perfect in every way" kind of posts, but this is REAL, these feelings are REAL and one day I will be able to re-read this and see how far I've come. To those special angels that have helped me in any way.... THANK YOU. Without you all, this would be so much more hard. I am so blessed in so many ways. So, this next little while might be full of ups and downs. Please keep holding on to me and help me when I need it, I know I will need a lot of help to heal and move forward.

To my dear Randy, I know you will read this, I love you so much and I am so lucky to have you as my eternal companion to be by my side forever and ever. You are my rock. I love you.

Until next time!!!!

24 comments:

Jaime said...

oh Hope, I am so sorry for your loss and the conclusion to such an emotional couple of weeks...I remember clearly a couple years a go when we found out about my dad's prostate cancer and how on edge and scared I was, I cannot imagine going through this at the same time. Hang in there, my thoughts and prayers are with you :)

Joseph and Katie Smith said...

I too feel as if you all have been through quite an emotional roller coaster. I am sooooo sorry for the loss which is very painful on so many different levels and yet grateful for your father's news. I too, am grateful that you blog LIFE. It happens! Hope, you are an inspiration to many. I am so grateful you listened to promptings and followed them. Rest well and look to the future.
Much love to you from a friend you does care.

Emily said...

The Clyde family once again shows how amazingly strong the Lord knows they are to be facing so much at one time. And yet, all I can find myself doing is crying for you. I'm so sorry this has all happened. Meanwhile, I thank you for finding the strength to point out the positive among it all. You always remain an inspiration. You are in our prayers. Sending hugs your way!! We love you guys!!

Zitting Zoo said...

Oh my Hopie, I am so sorry that your having to go thru this. I know nothing i can say will help but i love you and i am here when you need me.

Nettie said...

Hopie... You have confirmed that you are in fact superhuman. I say that because I know god only gives us the things we can handle, and reading that I am POSITIVE I could not handle all that. You are right up there with the pioneers in my book. (The poem was my gift to you, it is yours to do whatever you want with.)

Indra Mapp Madsen said...

Hope,
I know sorry can not heal your pain during this time. It brings tears to my eyes to think of anyone going through this. It brings back lots of feelings for me as well. Isn't the plan of salvation amazing and how blessed we are to have that in our life. After reading this it reminds me of something that happened to me. I had a 14 week old pass away after heartbeat confirmed and thought very strong that there was a reason or something I needed to learn and thought why?I always felt is was a girl and she needed to go be an angel for someone dear that the Lord needed her spirit. Well two months later my oldest was dx with cancer. I believe she had to go to help him and she knew that I was needed to help with him in 2007. It may be that the Lord knows your Father will need you during this time and he needs a special angel. Being away from a loved one due to levels is one of the hardest things. But if the Lord knows what is best and we must leave it in his hands! Hugs to you! You are a strong amazing lady.

Malea said...

This is a good thing. It's good to talk about it when the feelings are so fresh. It helps to both sort them out and have the support of your friends and family who would not otherwise know without the internet. Stay strong! I know you have the faith.

mattnandee said...

Hopie - so sorry to hear about what you are going through. We lost 3 babies before we had the twins and I remember oh so well all those feeling and emotions. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet family.

Lorene Briscoe said...

I feel your pain. Wow You are an amazing person. I had a miscarriage my first one I was pregnant with. I went to my cousins sealing in Bountiful, Utah and inside the temple as we were doing the endowment session--plain as someone telling me I heard "you will not carry this baby". I thought well what a more beautiful place to go back home than the temple. I had the miscarriage in the Bountiful Temple. I really was sad because it was my birthday. My husband was sad to. The doctor had told me that I had miscarried when the heart was forming and if I had carried the child, it would have had major heart problems. I know God watches out for us and he knows I couldn't have dealt with a handicapped--Thank you for posting this on your blog it eases the pain of a miscarriage.

bryn said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Lean on each other for strength and know that so many of us are cheering you on.

DowdleFam said...

What a emotional roller coaster you have been on the past couple of months. You are such a strong person. We will keep you guys in our prayers!

Alton clan said...

Crying....love you!

Guzman Gang said...

Wow, im sooooo sorry! YOu guys are amazing and will make it through. I was telling Angel about you guys and he said "Wont it be amazing when they get to the other side and meet that precious child that is waiting for them?" We are so blessed to have the gospel in our lives. Your in our prayers.

Guzman Gang said...

Wow, im sooooo sorry! YOu guys are amazing and will make it through. I was telling Angel about you guys and he said "Wont it be amazing when they get to the other side and meet that precious child that is waiting for them?" We are so blessed to have the gospel in our lives. Your in our prayers.

Erin said...

This happened to me with my first pregnancy. I miscarried at 11 weeks and had a D&C. It was awful. Just like what you are going through right now. I'm so sorry. Even though you know it will all work out in the end it does just suck. You and your family will be in our prayers. Hang in there. :(

Jeremy Reynolds Family said...

Hopie! I don't know what to say. I love you and your family so much. I am so sorry for your loss. Remember the good news, both about your Dad and Randy. Heavenly Father will bless you again, you deserve it. Our prayers are will all of you. Please tell you Dad how much love him and we are praying for him too.

The Childs said...

Wow! Talk about trials in someone's life. You have hit them all lately. It is so nice to have someone be so honest about their life. I'm so sorry for your loss. The Lord does have a plan and we will understand it someday. I hope you a good recovery.

I'm Stitching as fast as I can said...

Hugs!

Joseph and Katie said...

Hope,
By the way...when you feel up to it, I have tagged you in a photo game. Come on over to my blog to see the rules. :) Love you girl! Katie

Robyn Brown said...

Hope,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost 3 this way, it is something you just can't explain to people. You morn for the loss of the baby and for the loss of what could've beens. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to (or just someone listen to you). I am thinking about you. You are such a strong person.

Brenda said...

You are so brave. May you find peace and comfort during this very difficult time.

Jennifer LeBaron said...

Girle, there are not a whole lot of people in this world I love more than you and my crazy cousin!

For whatever reason, reasons we may never know or truly understand, Heavenly Father gives us these challenges so we can prove who we are. You know He doesn't want any wimpy people returning so he wants to make sure we are okay with the thick or the thin, the hard or the easy... and know that we can endure it well! Just think! You obviously have another little spirit waiting for you so you better just get back to work, right? :o) I love you guys tons! If you need some Golden Spoon yogurt, you better give me a call!

The ABC's said...

I love you Hope! I'm so sorry you are having to go through this hard time right now, but I know the Lord is right by your side, and like you already know, there is a reason for it. You are such an example to me in so many ways, keep your head up, and know that you are not alone! Thank-you for sharing your feelings and experiences, I think they bring a lot of hope and perspective to many people, including me! All my love, ~aubrey

Smonkey Mama said...

You are obviously one of the strongest people I have ever known....God only gives us what we can handle! I am amazed at all that you have faced these past few months. You are such a strong woman Hope! You are inspiring to many!! What you are going through and how you are handling it is such an example to so many. I believe you will be the one who helps many people make it through hard times because they'll remember you!! My heart goes out to you Hope. You are an incredible person. Love you!!