The hurt inside.

Remember this disclaimer? Well, this is one of those blog posts I was talking about. If you are needing a blog post where I am skipping through fields of wild flowers and rainbows shooting out my butt.... this isn't it.

After Randy's crash, the urologist ordered a semen analysis and the results showed that, because of the impact of his crash, he did not have very much sperm and what sperm there WAS wasn't moving very well. He warned us that Randy MAY be fertile but there could possibly be permanent damage that COULD prevent us from having more children. Well, until that point, we had agreed that we were probably not going to have any more children, but with that choice taken away from us, it made us look at life a little differently. We decided very quickly after that test that we would try to have another baby. I went on some medication to make me ovulate because I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which means I rarely ovulate. One thing led to another and I was pregnant the very first month we tried!!!! I have never been so ready as I was to be pregnant right then, which is weird because just 2 months before that, if you would have asked, I would have told you that I was done having children.

We got a positive pregnancy test on 09-09-09 but Randy insisted that we not tell our families until we heard a heartbeat. He usually doesn't have strong opinions, so it was weird for him to be so insistent. We told a handful of very close friends, one of my sisters and one of his brothers. A couple of weeks later, I started spotting, which led to a couple of weeks of blood work, and ultra-sounds. Well, last week, my dad found out that he had prostate cancer and that on Tuesday he would need some tests done that require radioactive material being put in his veins. I found out that I would not be able to be around him, but to know for how long, we would have to ask HIS doctor that would administer the test.... thus making it impossible for us to keep our secret any longer.

We had a great Monday night telling our kids about the pregnancy then telling my SHOCKED family, and rushing to Hurricane to announce the big news to his family. It was such a fun night, but we warned everyone that Thursday would be a follow-up ultra-sound that could end this fun with the potential of bad news. We all hoped for the best.

Thursday came and the morning welcomed us all with great news that my dad's cancer had NOT spread, it was all still in his prostate. So many prayers had been answered, I was hoping to not sound greedy when praying that we would have more good news in the afternoon at the ultra-sound.

As we were taken in for the ultra-sound, I knew that as soon as I saw the screen, I would know if it was good or bad news. Well, I should have been close to 10 weeks along and there was just an elongated 5 week sac. No different then 2 weeks previous when we thought the explanations was that my dates were off. I knew at that very second that I had lost this pregnancy over a month ago. Try as she might, the ultra-sound tech could find no sign of life and Randy and I could find no end to our tears. The rest of Thursday was extremely hard, telling our children the bad news was excruciating. It had been a week full of ups and downs, this being more than I thought I could handle.

Yesterday (Friday), I had an appointment with Dr. Chamberlain to go over the results of our ultra-sound. Randy was on a mandatory job for work, so my mom came with me to hold my hand. He discussed my options as far as letting the baby pass on it's own or having a D&C. I kept having the strong prompting to get the D&C. He sent me right over to an OBGYN that is on call this weekend. After a complete physical examination and medical history review, he explained all of my options. Knowing that medically, the best option was to let it pass naturally, I couldn't ignore the sense of urgency to have a D&C. Dr. Fagnant and Dr. Chamberlian both supported me in making the decision to have the surgery done as soon as possible. Dr. Fagnant called the hospital and found out that they had an opening right away and they would be waiting for me to get there.

I called Randy and told him to get there ASAP, went to my mom and dad's house to tell the kids, called Randy's brother, Cory, and asked him to just take care of getting the kids ready for a sleepover at the Clyde's house and off we went. With my mom there, holding my hand the whole time, we went to the new hospital for surgery. Randy made it in time to be with me before they took me back. When it came time for the surgery and I was in the hallway outside the OR, all alone, that's when it hit me what was going on. It was horrible. I didn't want to lose this baby. Yes, I know that we are blessed that we know now that it is possible for us to even get pregnant, but I so badly didn't want to lose THIS BABY.

The doctors and nurses were so professional and compassionate. As I went to sleep, I could hear the Eagles playing on the speakers of the OR. I woke just over an hour later to Dr. Fagnant standing over me, telling me that I had made the right decision. When he got in my uterus, there was more tissue then he thought, making it a LOT harder, if not impossible for me to pass it on my own. I love that my Heavenly Father blessed me with the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

The next hour was very painful, the medicine they give for uterine contractions is not fun. I kept needing more pain meds then it would make me dry heave, so then I needed anti-nausea medication. Finally, I was good enough to go from post-op to recovery, where my mom and Randy were there with me. It is so amazing the feeling of comfort I get from my mom and Randy. As soon as they were there, I knew I was going to be ok.

There were so many phone calls, texts, Facebook messages, gifts and acts of service that I find myself, yet again, not feeling worthy of my blessings. So here I sit, at 4am, feeling like I'm having a period from hell, hoping that Randy is sleeping because I know he needs it. I'm not sure what is hurting worse, my body or my soul. There is an ache inside that I know will dull at some point. Our very first pregnancy in 1998 ended this same way. I know that everything happens for a reason, I don't doubt the Plan of Salvation AT ALL, but for right now.... this just sucks and it's ok that it just does.

I know that I will heal, physically and emotionally, and I know that we will try to have another baby as soon as possible. Until then, I will be holding my children a little tighter, leaning on Randy to old me when I am weak and feeling comforted in knowing that I have an amazing family and wonderful friends that will be there to hold my hand through this hard time.

Like I said, this blog post isn't one of those "my life is perfect in every way" kind of posts, but this is REAL, these feelings are REAL and one day I will be able to re-read this and see how far I've come. To those special angels that have helped me in any way.... THANK YOU. Without you all, this would be so much more hard. I am so blessed in so many ways. So, this next little while might be full of ups and downs. Please keep holding on to me and help me when I need it, I know I will need a lot of help to heal and move forward.

To my dear Randy, I know you will read this, I love you so much and I am so lucky to have you as my eternal companion to be by my side forever and ever. You are my rock. I love you.

Until next time!!!!